I just found out about this today and wanted to participate. Elle Strauss
is hosting a first page, 250 word blog fest.
So here's my latest project. Yikes!
Oliver strutted down the main street of Archgilly as a crowd amassed behind him. He tipped his hat to the women and shook hands with the men. Little children ran up clamoring to touch his sleeve. When he reached the Rumina, he turned and bowed to the cheers of the people. Four years ago, no one knew his name; now they chanted it as he entered the building.
He slipped down the corridor and opened a door to find the three Elders sitting behind a great oak desk. They squinted at him as he slid into the room. “Sit down Oliver, sit down,” the Elder, Faraday said, his wrinkled face barely visible in the mountains of gray hair.
Oliver took a seat. The noonday light barely eked through the dusty windows causing the room to exude a certain gloominess. “Are you ready to know what your final task will be?” the Elder, Reverie asked, his voice squeaking like a mouse.
On the street surrounded by smiling faces and words of encouragement, Oliver brimmed with confidence, but now perspiration formed on his brow, and dripped down his forehead. He took out a handkerchief and wiped it away before it descended any further.
Faraday stood up and rested his hands against the desk as he began the same speech he gave Oliver every time he had come to the Rumina for instructions. “Being a Defender has a rich and distinguished history. They are called upon to protect the water that flows through our lands, the water that is the lifeblood of our community, the water that allows us all to live long and happy lives without pain and suffering.”
16 comments:
I like Oliver already. Nice work.
250 words? My motto has to be 'why use 250 when you can use 400?' Seriously, a great post, I'm impressed.
Very interesting invoking a fantasy feel. A great character that already makes me feel he's a hero!
I liked seeing him start out so strong on the street, people enthusiastic and eager to touch his hand. Sounds like he could be a powerful character.
I really like this, Patti! It is evocative! Your use of vivid verbs is outstanding (something I'm starting to attack in my own writing... I don't think you have a single passive or "is" in this!!). There is definite suspense and the feeling that failure is probably right around the corner. Pride goes before a fall, right? And yet... we already don't want him to fail.
Nicely done!
I agree with Heidi-- I noticed your strong use of great verbs immediately! Only suggestions and it was hard to find one--would be to be more specific when desribing the men and women and people. Great job!
Well you already know how I feel. I think you put the bit about the waters closer to the beginning which I like. I think that to really take this to the next level you should have Oliver visit a secret city where elves and dwarves live.
Great set up, Patti!! I really like the protect the water theme. It is such a basic need but with high stakes!!
I especially like Oliver's entrance with the kids clamoring around him.
Great start. I'm wondering what Oliver did to get such notoriety, which compels me to read further. I too would like to get a sense of the women and men he's meeting on the street. Maybe how they're dressed or something to give me a time and place? Or, if it's fantasy, to show me the world he lives in right off. Wonderful writing! :D
I wish I would have known about this blogfest, Patti.
Wonderful start, pal. Your writing and strong use of verbs have me wanting to read more. I love Oliver and I just met him. That says something GREAT about your first page. SUPER JOB!
Woo! Way to go Patti, this is very good. I want to know more about what Oliver does. =)
Ooh! This is fascinating! Would like to read more...
very interesting start - the only part that gave me pause was referring to each Elder, as "the Elder, Faraday... or Reverie." I thought it was pretty clear that whoever was talking was an Elder. Otherwise, I'm intrigued.
Nicely done, Pattie! I'm so used to participating in the MSFV Secret Agent contest, I was trying to find something wrong with it. I couldn't. :)
I like this! What genre is this? Too fun! I love the names and your voice!~
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